Bad Fiction

Terror in India...Attack Westerners...Black Friday Is Death

2008-11-28T12:49:00.008-05:00

So about 130 people died in an attack at the Taj Mahal Hotel in India. A really horrible event that the Hartford Courant did-up with the above headline. Was the JCPenny sticker strategically placed to blot out the word "Kills?" Maybe there really is a liberal media conspiracy. Whatever the case, the Black Friday ad stamped some unintended (or intended, who knows) irony on the front page.

2008-11-18T13:46:00.003-05:00

Here's a nice round-up of stories the Advocate has covered on the issue of gay marriage in Connecticut, if you're into that sort of thing. I filed a couple of them, one from the press conference announcing the ruling and another filling in the blanks about what legal benefits couples stand to reap, or not reap.

And the Clintonian Stacking Begins...

2008-11-14T18:59:00.005-05:00

The Huffington Post is reporting that Obama is offering Secretary of State to Hillary Clinton, a post that is known to install infamous suck-up bitches like Condoleeza Rice. Don't know how I feel about this, since Hillary basically played Republican and warmed up the attacks against Obama for McCain during the primaries. She got the ball rolling on Bill Ayers, his whole inexperience thing and circulated that photo of him wearing a turban to try and push that he is a terrorist-Muslim. And Obama basically said Clinton over-hyped her foreign policy experience, something that is key for the job of Secretary of State. But that's politics for you. You can fuck somebody over and expect a handshake and a prize somewhere down the road for being a complete scumbag.

I really hope Obama doesn't stack his administration with too many Clinton people, especially this Larry Summers asshole. Let's keep it fresh now.

From Russia, With Malice

2008-11-12T15:09:00.002-05:00

Great interview with Mark Ames on Antiwar radio -- who just had his newspaper, the eXile, shut down in Russia -- about why America thinks the former Soviet country is still the boogeyman. Here is part one:

2008-11-10T21:42:00.005-05:00

2008-11-10T21:03:00.004-05:00

Dirty, wet leaves
they're folded up and scattered
hiding the naked earth
to get ready for winter and I'm fucking haunted
like a ghost with no memory
waiting for the feeling.

Connecticut Write-In Ballots Neglected By Mainstream Media; Disney Icon Begins Campaign for 2012 Presidency

2008-11-10T11:28:00.002-05:00

(Hartford) -- Nov. 5, 2008. The towns of West Hartford, New Haven and Waterbury have confirmed write-in votes in the 2008 presidential election for Mickey Mouse, the anthropomorphic Disney star who has had a meteoric rise to fame since first being animated in 1928. Mr. Mouse has reportedly cultivated a viral marketing campaign to get his name out on the national ballot for the 2012 presidential election, starting here in Connecticut.

"Oh, you know, we got the usual Mickey Mouse, " said West Hartford Registrar of Voters Marcia L. Woolsey, in a telephone interview Friday about write-in ballots. Media coverage of the write-ins has been under reported, and the deep cover campaign of Mr. Mouse has broad sided officials in the registrar offices of Waterbury and New Haven, who have also confirmed ballots cast for the Disney star.

Speculation quickly grew on a potential running mate, as Nancy Vitarelli from the Waterbury Registrar's office confirmed that Minnie Mouse was the go-ahead choice for vice president on one ballot. This brings wide debate about the public affair and conflicting interest of the two mouses, as seen in movies such as Mickey Plays Papa.

But talking heads have also questioned the age of Mr. Mouse, who turned 80 this year, and Ms. Mouse, 66, as too old to successfully compete for the White House. Mr. Mouse, in a press release sent out yesterday, stated that experience is a vital part to his edge in 2012 against recent president-elect Barack Obama, who he claims is way too human and has no experience compared to Mr. Mouse's deep military service, noted in 1929's The Barnyard Battle.

Cartoon characters across the country were soon to dismiss Mr. Mouse, among them Bart Simpson, who put a black bra around his head and said, "I'm the mascot of an evil corporation," mocking Mr. Mouse in a swift boat-style smear campaign.

Though Mr. Mouse has blitzed the state with write-in ballots, he has not been officially recorded due to his unregistered status.

"For candidates to be officially recorded they must be registered," said the Town Clerk's office of Hartford. Mr. Mouse was unavailable for comment if he was going to petition the state, as he is currently being re-animated for a future show.

Many officials are attributing the act of write-in balloting as a big middle finger in the face of the ancient electorate college.

Meanwhile, West Hartford has confirmed the write-in vote of Donald Duck, who may bring a rift within the cartoon demographic. Darth Nadar was recorded in Naugatuak, and a person just named Chris in New Haven. But voting officials also note a ballot cast for one Jesus H. Christ, who will hopefully come down on a cloud and end all this silliness.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

2008-11-09T16:17:00.004-05:00

http://hartfordadvocate.com/article.cfm?aid=10396

Some area shenanigans

Thursday, November 06, 2008
Compiled by Justin Kloczko

Just Hard on Hearing?

We've heard of the cops being called on people who blast their music too loudly, but how about playing porn too loud? This is a new one. The Manchester Journal-Inquirer reported that on Monday, Oct. 26, a man named Roy K. Winthers was arrested for playing porn obnoxiously loud in his Manchester home. The neighborhood was reportedly "disgusted and alarmed" by the sound of the porno dominating the hearing of residents on High Street. Give the guy a break, he is 63 years old and might have trouble hearing. But anyway, Withers was charged with breach of peace.

Rollin' On Dubs

Poor, poor showing over the weekend from the criminal demographic. Seeing as Halloween fell on a Friday this year, we were really hoping someone would end up in the drunk tank in some ridiculous costume or something. But most people were on their best behavior, except for 44-year-old Stephen Reeder, who was so ossified, cops said, that he didn't realize he was driving on his bare rims. According to the Hartford Courant, the West Hartford resident was reportedly pulled over in Manchester on Halloween night when police got a call from a motorist who spotted sparks shooting out of two of Reeder's tires. Reeder was allegedly hammered and also had some weed on him. He was charged with reckless driving, driving under the influence and for possessing less than four ounces of marijuana.

Passionate Politics

Small-town board meetings are usually a total bore, but Middletown police have had to recently babysit city functions because citizens have been getting heated. One resident recently made his exit by doing a "Zeek Heil!" performing a Nazi salute. On Oct. 21, 59-year-old Salvatore Caracoglia was arrested after he was ready to throw down at a routine board of education meeting, according to the Middletown Press. Caracoglia was allegedly threatening and criticizing an exiting board member. When a cop who was already overseeing the meeting came over to regulate, Caracolgia turned around and said he was going to punch him in the face. From there the cop had to physically restrain and arrest him, on a charge of disorderly conduct.

Calling Bluff

Never try and knock off a restaurant, because the people who run it just might be a little bit crazier than you. According to the Bristol Press, Anthony Sherman, 19, went into a Burlington Avenue pizza joint in Bristol on Oct. 29 and tried to stick it up. He allegedly was swearing and threatening the person behind the register to hand over the money, but the owner came out with a knife and told Sherman, "(I) would cut off your legs before I give you the money!" The owner called his bluff, and Sherman ran out of the restaurant behind a bunch of houses. He was discovered and charged with criminal attempt to create first-degree robbery, second-degree threatening and carrying a dangerous weapon.

Early Snow

How coked-out must a person be to get to the point that they are punching their girlfriend and brandishing a knife in public? Very. New Britain police were looking for 37-year-old William Ellison on charges of allegedly punching his girlfriend in the face outside of a bar on Park Street in New Britain. According to the New Britain Herald, on Oct. 29, Ellison booked from the scene, but was later spotted on Stanley Street where he was reportedly spotted because it looked like it had been snowing on him. Cops said there was a large amount of cocaine covering his jacket. There was also some on his knife. Hmmm, blowing coke off a double-edged knife, wow! Ellison was charged with second-degree breach of peace, third-degree assault, carrying a weapon, and possession of narcotics.

Roll The Credits...What Does It All Mean?

2008-11-05T23:16:00.003-05:00

Die, Already

The election is over, and the best part was watching the final scenes play out in a surprisingly noble ending to a sweaty and hot bitch-fight of a race. Before the credits rolled, McCain gave a stand up concession speech. It was the best speech of his campaign. And Obama really seemed like he was talking down from the moon over the whole country when he began with "If there's anyone out there..."

I've spent all day on this election hangover trying to sort it all out. Early on in the campaign, I was weary of Obama because he is just as much of a political animal as anyone in national politics, someone who signed up to run at the right time. But he is different because he is young and hungry, and when you are young and hungry you have to prove yourself to the big boys. So atleast until things start getting better, and it won't be for a few years, Obama will be putting in serious work to prove himself. Lets just hope that when it does get better, he will keep it up.

Everyone is talking about all the challenges this President-elect is facing now, and Matt Taibbi summed it up well. Obama has to decide which type of politician he is going to be first. He has taken more money from Wall Street than any other two candidates in history, and this has extra weight because of the financial meltdown. Wall Street is going to have to be regulated, but how is Obama going to decide how to do that when they've been the ones signing his campaign checks? Obama has also talked about raising taxes for the flock that makes over $250,000, and many of those people are from Wall Street. When a politician takes money, favors are usually expected in return.

2008-11-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

Let's give it up to Joe Scarborough, and everyone else who has conquered partial-fetal alcohol syndrome to anchor a presidential election.

CNN, Other Cable Networks Think They Are Broadcasting From The Year 2060

2008-11-05T23:00:00.001-05:00

Aright, I really think that the cable news networks have forgot about the election and have made it a show and tell about who's got the biggest and most obnoxious electorate maps. Have you guys noticed these things? I just saw Fox’s Brit Hume gush over how Bill Hemmer was touching the election screen. Okay, and as I’m typing this, the blonde anchor is showcasing the touch-screen election board like she is Vanna White. If there is a winner on election night, it is the high-tech electorate maps, not any real person.

2008-11-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

"Fuck the polls, they always followed reality instead of predicting it."

Beam Me Up, Wolf

2008-11-05T22:58:00.000-05:00

So Jessica Yellin is coming in via “hologram” in CNN’s election center. Wolf Blitzer is standing there beardless, as if we he couldn’t get any scarier, and is pretending that he is actually talking to her in the room. Who knows what they’re talking about, but the first major polls are coming in in about six minutes.

The Horror, The Horror!

2008-11-05T22:57:00.001-05:00

Fuck it. I tried, I really tried to do my best and ignore this marathon of a presidential race plowing through the last two years of our lives. It was a burn that felt good, but it became too much and spread like wildfire all over my body after a while. I couldn't even watch tv anymore. I would have CNN or Fox News on in the background and would literally get nightmares while napping. I would wake up to Wolf Blitzer quoting Sarah Palin with a straight face, like he took what she said seriously. And when I covered Barack Obama's visit to Hartford I just didn't get it. Here was a guy who had been repeating almost the same lines as Clinton or Kerry in past races, but the way he said it just sounded like Moses over the mountaintop. I filed a piss poor story and haven't written about politics since.

Until today. I feel like I have a reason to live because this race is over, so I'm celebrating. I'm celebrating the end of intense media adulation, the complete neglect of everything else that has happened around the country that has taken a backseat to this bastardized version of American idol with Ugly People. For two years we've lived in the oblivious bubble, and I'm glad it is about to burst because I just want to breath some fresh air. I want to know what is going on. I want to have normal conversations again. I'm sick of Joe the Plumber and every other faceless Middle American in some half-way-to-nowhere town that was been gutted and propped up to sell votes.

So here's to feeling normal again.

HO HO HO HO HO